Triathlon crime!

From the Associated Press

Authorities today seized more than 196 packets of "Gu", also known on the street as "Triathlon Junk," from a small 1 bedroom apartment 30 miles north of New York City in posh Westchester County. Gu is highly addictive and is found to greatly enhance one's ability to run further and faster.

A 28 year old man has been identified as Jon Campbell, a 3 year "Triathlon Junkie". Mr. Campbell was arrested in his apartment after a tip by neighbors complaining of a constant "whirring noise" heard for approximately 1.5 hours three times during the week, and up to 4 hours on the weekends. Police surveillance observed the suspect leaving his apartment before sunrise 5 times a week and returning anywhere between 30 mins and 90 minutes later. Chocolate Gu stains were noticed on the suspect's clothes and lead to the warrant for house inspection.

Upon questioning the suspect, the suspect fled the scene and was clocked going 8.5 mph, or approximately a 7 min per mile pace. A police blockade and pepper spray was used to apprehend Mr. Campbell after officers on foot became too winded to capture the suspect.

After searching the suspect's home, Police found other illegal substances, including Infinit, known as "Triathlon Fairy dust," 100's of Amino Acid Pills, and multiple large volumes of Protein powders. The shear volume found will also give Mr. Campbell another charge of "intent to sell."

Weapons charges may be considered by the DA's office when officers discovered a large box of C02 cartridges.

A hair sample was taken and confirmation of the chemicals chlorine and saline were found in large concentrations.

Mr. Campbell will be arraigned in Westchester County Court on Friday. When questioned about his involvement in a "performance enhancement ring" Mr. Campbell responded with "no comment." He will be represented by the law offices of Friel Wellington & Potts.