Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Triathlon crime!

From the Associated Press

Authorities today seized more than 196 packets of "Gu", also known on the street as "Triathlon Junk," from a small 1 bedroom apartment 30 miles north of New York City in posh Westchester County. Gu is highly addictive and is found to greatly enhance one's ability to run further and faster.

A 28 year old man has been identified as Jon Campbell, a 3 year "Triathlon Junkie". Mr. Campbell was arrested in his apartment after a tip by neighbors complaining of a constant "whirring noise" heard for approximately 1.5 hours three times during the week, and up to 4 hours on the weekends. Police surveillance observed the suspect leaving his apartment before sunrise 5 times a week and returning anywhere between 30 mins and 90 minutes later. Chocolate Gu stains were noticed on the suspect's clothes and lead to the warrant for house inspection.

Upon questioning the suspect, the suspect fled the scene and was clocked going 8.5 mph, or approximately a 7 min per mile pace. A police blockade and pepper spray was used to apprehend Mr. Campbell after officers on foot became too winded to capture the suspect.

After searching the suspect's home, Police found other illegal substances, including Infinit, known as "Triathlon Fairy dust," 100's of Amino Acid Pills, and multiple large volumes of Protein powders. The shear volume found will also give Mr. Campbell another charge of "intent to sell."

Weapons charges may be considered by the DA's office when officers discovered a large box of C02 cartridges.

A hair sample was taken and confirmation of the chemicals chlorine and saline were found in large concentrations.

Mr. Campbell will be arraigned in Westchester County Court on Friday. When questioned about his involvement in a "performance enhancement ring" Mr. Campbell responded with "no comment." He will be represented by the law offices of Friel Wellington & Potts.

25 comments:

  1. love it :)
    I wonder what the punishement will be if MR JC is found guilty ???
    Hmmm....
    can't wait to find out :P

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  2. Were you on Cops? I always watch that show, hoping I would see someone I know!! Maybe this will be that time!!!

    You know, if you put on enough Bodyglide, you coulda got out of those hand cuffs, just saying

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  3. Creativity again at its finest!

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  4. omg! this totally made my day! awesome post jon!
    u r one creative man!

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  5. Awesome post! Hope your cell mate doesn't take a liking to the spandex! :O

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  6. I pretty sure that if imprisoned we have a supplement step down and detox program for you

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  7. Glad you are enjoying jury duty

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  8. This is awesome! OMG that made my day lol :)

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  9. Nice, maybe you can race for the prison team.

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  10. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! This post ROCKS!

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  11. Consorting with known undesirables. Im sure there is some kind of carbon fetish. Imagine that.

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  12. Absolutely hilarious! One of your best posts yet!

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  13. This is awesome. You need to have blueseventy or xterra or whomever design you an orange wetsuit....now that would rock.

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  14. Great post Jon! You can only plead guilty, too many witnesses and many virtual witnesses. Have an awesome weekend!

    To answer your question: I have gone over 5000km in a year twice before, 1996 and 1997. Different life, different body.

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  15. Too funny! Loved it :) need to go hide my stash now...

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