Kidnapped: Tri Key West Spectator Report

From the Associated Press

A 28 year old White Plains man was abducted at gun point last Friday morning and flown thousands of miles south to a remote island in the Florida Keys where he was held captive for nearly four days until a ransom request was met.

Monday evening Jon Campbell was found unconscious in a remote regional airport in Allentown, PA and quickly transported to the Westchester Medical Center in Valhalla, NY. After an interview with local police detectives in Westchester County, police now have an idea of why Mr. Campbell was targeted and why he was brought to such a remote location.

The suspects are currently on the loose and are believed to be a gang of triathletes and runners abducting those in possession of a new street drug called "Peanut Butter Gu". Police Detective Chris McCormack was quoted as saying, "This new drug is found to greatly enhance one's abilities to compete in a succession of sporting events, such as going from a swim to a bike ride to running a marathon run distance of about 3 or 6 miles. It appears to be the new golf."

A list of suspects was made after Mr. Campbell's interview.

They include mostly DC area folks. A reward has been posted for any of the followings eventual capture and arrest, but unfortunately no last names are known. This is the info Campbell provided:

"Katie"

Did the bike portion of one of two relay teams. Her face has never been seen. She is only known by her backside. Despite thinking she had a poor bike split, she wound up with one of the faster female bike splits of the day and propelling her team into first place in its division.

"Thom"

Married to Katie. He ran and has recently evaded capture at the Philadelphia marathon on charges of literary plagarism. This was his first run since the marathon. Even with a bright orange running shirt, authorities still can't catch this man.

"Beth"

She is known as the "planner" and "brains" behind this troup of criminals. She is known for her "great ideas" and "minimus" training plans. Beth swam and finished with the 6th fastest female swim of the day. She also did NOT use a wetsuit. Her swim set her relay team up for a great win and finish.

"Amy"

Amy was the only member of this crime team to not relay. She did the sprint all by herself. She still can't fool anyone as upon entering the run, her true identity was revealed when a possible bounty hunter yelled, "Wow! There goes a REAL runner!" She did, in the end, fool everyone by taking 2nd place in her age group.

"Lauren"

Also known as the "doctor" and "healer" of the group, her PT background keeps these kidnappers and theives in tip top condition fixing "broken asses" and "disconnected hamstrings". She did the swim for one of the relay teams, also forgoing the wetsuit,

"Liz"

Liz ran the anchor leg of the first relay team, which ended up taking first place in the division. With the cops hot on her trail, she literally burned them up in her red CAR top!

"Wes"

This Rock n Roll Criminal might distract you with his charming music ways, but he can still out bike you! The authorities hope to arrest him at his next show, Jan 10th in Arlington, VA. Hopefully this is enough info to bust him?

Be on the lookout for beer drinking people bragging about margarita trophy's.

Chances are they are this is the group of fast mastermining kidnappers and extortionists.

Finally, another man, who didn't race, and is simply known as "The Spectator" is believed to be the group's "Bag Man" who transported supplies and gave moral support.

Mr. Campbell is still in the hospital undergoing a possible liver transplant and second degree burns from sun exposure. He was quoted as saying that he was "forced to lay in a hammock for hours on end while drinking sweet tropical drinks."

The staff at the associated press wish Mr. Campbell a speedy recovery :)