Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Kidnapped: Tri Key West Spectator Report

From the Associated Press

A 28 year old White Plains man was abducted at gun point last Friday morning and flown thousands of miles south to a remote island in the Florida Keys where he was held captive for nearly four days until a ransom request was met.

Monday evening Jon Campbell was found unconscious in a remote regional airport in Allentown, PA and quickly transported to the Westchester Medical Center in Valhalla, NY. After an interview with local police detectives in Westchester County, police now have an idea of why Mr. Campbell was targeted and why he was brought to such a remote location.

The suspects are currently on the loose and are believed to be a gang of triathletes and runners abducting those in possession of a new street drug called "Peanut Butter Gu". Police Detective Chris McCormack was quoted as saying, "This new drug is found to greatly enhance one's abilities to compete in a succession of sporting events, such as going from a swim to a bike ride to running a marathon run distance of about 3 or 6 miles. It appears to be the new golf."

A list of suspects was made after Mr. Campbell's interview.

They include mostly DC area folks. A reward has been posted for any of the followings eventual capture and arrest, but unfortunately no last names are known. This is the info Campbell provided:

Did the bike portion of one of two relay teams. Her face has never been seen. She is only known by her backside. Despite thinking she had a poor bike split, she wound up with one of the faster female bike splits of the day and propelling her team into first place in its division.


Married to Katie. He ran and has recently evaded capture at the Philadelphia marathon on charges of literary plagarism. This was his first run since the marathon. Even with a bright orange running shirt, authorities still can't catch this man.

She is known as the "planner" and "brains" behind this troup of criminals. She is known for her "great ideas" and "minimus" training plans. Beth swam and finished with the 6th fastest female swim of the day. She also did NOT use a wetsuit. Her swim set her relay team up for a great win and finish.


Amy was the only member of this crime team to not relay. She did the sprint all by herself. She still can't fool anyone as upon entering the run, her true identity was revealed when a possible bounty hunter yelled, "Wow! There goes a REAL runner!" She did, in the end, fool everyone by taking 2nd place in her age group.


Also known as the "doctor" and "healer" of the group, her PT background keeps these kidnappers and theives in tip top condition fixing "broken asses" and "disconnected hamstrings". She did the swim for one of the relay teams, also forgoing the wetsuit,


Liz ran the anchor leg of the first relay team, which ended up taking first place in the division. With the cops hot on her trail, she literally burned them up in her red CAR top!


This Rock n Roll Criminal might distract you with his charming music ways, but he can still out bike you! The authorities hope to arrest him at his next show, Jan 10th in Arlington, VA. Hopefully this is enough info to bust him?

Be on the lookout for beer drinking people bragging about margarita trophy's.

Chances are they are this is the group of fast mastermining kidnappers and extortionists.

Finally, another man, who didn't race, and is simply known as "The Spectator" is believed to be the group's "Bag Man" who transported supplies and gave moral support.

Mr. Campbell is still in the hospital undergoing a possible liver transplant and second degree burns from sun exposure. He was quoted as saying that he was "forced to lay in a hammock for hours on end while drinking sweet tropical drinks."

The staff at the associated press wish Mr. Campbell a speedy recovery :)


  1. I hope he recovers soon and is able to race a 3 mile marathon soon.

  2. Wow. Simply wow. You never disappoint.

    Hopefully you have been successfully at cleaning the sand out of all your shoes.

    PS: Do I get an award for correctly guessing where you were at? I believe Jeff was the only one specifically not allowed to guess.

  3. hah! Great post! I hope the sunburn doesn't leave a 6 month mark again.... :)

  4. That sounds terrible. Lots of sketchy suspects...

  5. What a horrible time! You must have suffered horribly at the hands of these criminals! :)

  6. i hope you find the horrible people that did this to you. sounds like pure torture.

  7. Haha! Well written, and it sounds like it was a lot of fun. I hope the sunburn isn't still painful.

  8. Horrifying! Forced to drink margaritas and lay in a hammock? Sounds like inhumane conditions. I am so glad that you are okay. Best wishes for speedy recovery! :)

  9. Hands down the most hilarious post ever.

    I mean, I hope they find the perps.

  10. That was hysterical Jon. Those pics are pretty cool - nice work Mr Photog!

  11. Hey uhhhh your camera only took Black and White pics!!! I think that the abductors messed w/ your camera too ;)

    Awesome man, mega jealous! Key West is a good time!

  12. I don't know. That bag man looks awful suspicious.

  13. my ass looks DAMN GOOD in black & white.

  14. Awesome post! Great pics to go along with it also!

  15. Detective Chris McCormack just gave a news conference, announcing that there is no new leads or arrest, he just wanted to tell everyone how awesome he thinks he is

  16. Haha...loved it! Those pics are awesome too!!

  17. Is it really a crime to be held in Key West? I would argue that the real crime was the fact that you were forced to leave.

  18. Dude. I seriously love you. SO freaking funny.

  19. This is such a funny post... looks like you had fun there :)

  20. Hilarious.

    Lauren looks like she is about to perform the Mr Miyagi on those asses and disconnected hammies.

  21. hilarious!

    i think the doc will prescribe more hammock r&r to recover from this harrowing experience.

  22. I think this is my favorite spectator/race report ever. Being kidnapped sounds miserable :)

  23. Wow, clearly I missed the BEST race recap from Key West. But, save the best for last!! Great post and love the coloring of the pics - NICE!


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